I have been overwhelmed with an enormous sense of weighty confusion, really bogged down feeling quite flat and heavy.
I have been feeling quite unsettled with much of my life spinning around, homes, schools, business you name it the complexity of it all has been doing my head in.
To the core of all this is an ongoing pattern, always with too much to do, not enough time, unable to complete and finish what I need. I am the preverbal person that bites off more than I can chew!
Well what a surprise today was for me to have it all come pouring out – and some tears too.
We didn’t get through much singing today, but we moved mountains of internal stuff.
With each note of my warm up came more stuff in my process, more and more and more. No wonder I feel lighter.
What is it to be happy?
I want to be happy. I mean this was the very reason I started this adventure into music right? I have come so far, and yet feel at the exact same point I was 6 months ago.
What is this veil, this shadow that keeps the hand brake on?
Once again it’s time to consolidate, really take stock of what I am doing and what I am choosing to create.
I cannot possibly do everything before me and I’m spread so thin that I’m stretched and therefore not present or solid any one thing.
What a shock to see that I have been so caught up in things that I haven’t even had the space to dream.
No wonder things have been tiring – I’m exhausted just writing about it!
I know that things will shift and I can feel that coming.
This is what I want – simply to be myself!
I must get out of my own way and just trust that things are unfolding as they should and yet it’s time to be ruthless with how I spend my time.
It’s time to create the life that I truly want.
So that’s it for now – stay tuned.
I think many people, especially parents, can relate to what you are saying here and the feeling of having too much going on to be able to concentrate on some of your own pleasures.
Understanding this, I asked you if you could make some time to dream about what you wanted in music and that’s when lots of other issues started to come to the surface and it was great to really address those things clearly.
It’s really important to see or visualise where you want to be in the future and what you want out of your music (and life) because by doing that, half the work is done.
Trusting that life will help you get there is another aspect of this.
However, you felt you didn’t even have time to dream.
Much of what has been developing for you has been about reassessing some really important questions such as,
1. Who am I?
2. What do I want?
3. What makes me truly happy?
The answers to these questions constantly change throughout our lives as we grow and develop and I think it was important for you to look at the answers to them for yourself.
Learning music brings up these questions because learning music is very much like learning life.
Sometimes (actually often) we feel like we haven’t really learned anything, or are only just beginning to see how things work.
Learning music is not a linear process but rather more like a spiral, where we constantly revisit parts of our learning but perhaps from a different perspective.
As you can hear from your recordings, you have come a long way and are now looking to take your music a step further which means you need to make room in your life for it.
Perhaps that’s why a lot of emotion was coming up for you, because you are making changes to live your (secret) dream of living music and changing parts of the way you live life is always uncomfortable.
It was a great lesson and very important.
Thank you for sharing it with me.